Messages from Mother Earth
river with water lilies and wild grasses.
Personal Post (trigger warning: SA mentioned. No details)
Seeking comfort after trauma strikes
I’ve been in crisis mode in my mind, body and spirit for a few weeks because my son was sexually assaulted. I am sharing this openly with his permission, and because we need to speak on such subjects and not keep them a secret. That is how abusers get away with it. And that is how victims feel stigmatized and hide in shame. Also, often times males feel very emasculated by such a situation and don’t speak up because of that.
As a victim of sexual assault myself, I will not allow my son to suffer in silence. Fortunately he has a steadfast support system, as well as I have always educated my boys on this topic in hopes of protecting them. Unfortunately this incident happened in a way that nobody could have predicted. But because of all our conversations over the years, he felt comfortable telling me right away, and immediately knew it was not his fault and that we would take action against the perpetrator. We have always fostered an environment of safety for our children and I’m so proud of my son’s courage to speak up and take a stand. And he has a lot of support from us, so he is doing well.
As a mother and protector, this hit a place inside of me that is dark, powerful, scary, rageful, and has caused an inner turmoil that I can only shake for short periods of time. It’s wreaking havoc on my nervous system, and hard to get out of ruminating dark thoughts. And then Mother Earth started calling to me. Specifically calling me to get on the water for an extended period of time.
Water is the element connected to our emotions, and to the sacred waters within us (all of our fluids such as tears, and particularly our blood). We are connected to the moon, which is related to intuition, through our internal waters, and the water of the planet. So when water calls, she wants you to connect with your emotions and your spirit’s voice, which is your intuition.
It almost didn’t happen. My plans to go to a water space were foiled multiple times and I felt totally out of sorts because I knew with all my being I was meant to be on the water. Finally I realized I needed to get on a kayak, alone. And so I did.
Subtle but strong messages of healing
The healing messages from Mother Earth began immediately. One of the first things I noticed was these lovely little fungi on a log in the middle of the water. I have a very real and loving relationship with fungi. They are a medicine of the Earth and I commune with them as sacred medicine. So when they make an unexpected appearance like that, I listen. And the fungi whispered: “Look for your ally’s.”
Shortly after that, I bumped hard into a very large rock in the water and it really jostled me and even almost tipped me over. The message I heard was, “you’re leading with your anger right now, and it’s making things harder for yourself”. As I got around the rock, I realized how tense and rigid I was in my body, while starting out on this journey. The jolt really shook my nervous system, which was already very unsettled. Mother Earth said, “Calm yourself, child.”
I noticed a lot of squirrels, which is unusual. I have floated down this creek many, many times and don’t think I've ever seen a squirrel. Of course they exist out there, but normally I see a lot of birds, fish, snakes etc. A squirrel called to me and we made deep eye contact for a moment and he said: “Remember life is a choose your own adventure experience, so which adventure are you choosing at this moment?” I’ve always imagined squirrels to be living a ‘choose your own adventure life’ as they jump from tree to tree, and swing from the branches. I always wonder how often they travel the same trees and limbs when they are frolicking about, or instead go many different ways, always finding their way back home? I smiled at this thought and thanked the squirrel for the reminder, as I pondered what may be my adventure options during this turbulent time?
Soon, I happened upon two people in kayaks that had anchored themselves right in the middle of the river. My initial instinct was to think it was rude that they didn’t take themselves off to the side to anchor because it required me to have to navigate around them, when I could have simply meandered through effortlessly. And the water said to me: “There will always be other people in the way. Don’t let it bother you. Don’t let it sway your peace. Just go around.” So I chose to smile and greet them in friendliness as I passed around them, as well as feel happiness for their enjoyment on the water as well.
At one point, at a fast moving current, I decided to let the kayak flow however it was going to, instead of trying to guide it with the paddle. I really thought it was going to take me into another big rock (It’s August and the river is quite low, so it can be a lot to maneuver). Much to my surprise and delight, the current took me safely and smoothly through the current, around any deterrents and I heard: “Trust the process. Don’t cling so hard to control. You are supported.” I felt ease enter back into my spirit at that moment. I have definitely been clinging to the dark and angry, even spiteful thoughts towards the perpetrator in my mind. Desperately trying to figure out how to take control of this situation and get retribution. I’m not saying that won’t happen, however, I’m not entirely in control of this situation and there is a lot of waiting involved. So its best for everyone’s mental and emotional health if we flow while in waiting periods, as well as take a pause before reactions so we can arrive at healthy responses.
As I was feeling ease in my heart for the first time in weeks, wouldn’t you know that I came to a split in the river by a sandy bank. As I started to go left, I realized I would not be able to pass due to a huge tree across the river and Earth whispered to me: “There will always be road blocks.” That ease was then replaced with disappointment; but only for a moment, because that was quickly replaced with gratitude that there was another direction to easily go. And I also realized that my determination to go left had no basis in anything, but some arbitrary decision as the best way to go, when there is a perfectly reasonable other way to go. And that became my reminder once again, to not get locked into any one idea or way in this situation, (or any), and to remain open to options, opportunities and possibilities.
I started to relax more and more, which was nice. After being in a hypervigilant ‘fight’ nervous system response for weeks now, relaxation doesn’t come easily, nor last long even though I’m using all of my tools. I practice the life I teach people. But crisis is crisis and it can take some time to feel safe through it. At one point another mini rapid (nothing like white water rafting! It’s river in Indiana), but none-the-less a small rapid carried me through, and I smiled and giggled a little bit. It was at that point that I realized I had likely been scowling up until that point and the silly rapid reminded me: “Remember to let laughter and joy be one of your medicines during this time, don’t take everything so seriously,only the things that need to be serious.” And I felt my facial muscles melt into relaxation, which felt good. We hold so much tension in our face, especially when we have to hold words back and it can manifest into jaw pain and headaches. I’ve definitely been having headaches.
As I meandered down the river I came across a large group of people in tubes, once again in the middle of the way. So much so that I had no choice but to bump into them with my kayak because there was no way to go around them. I didn’t really care at that point. It was a gentle bump and then we were stuck together for a short bit because again, there was nowhere for anyone to go, and I heard: “Sometimes you’re going to bump into people. Just be kind. It’s not that serious.” This of course does not apply to a perpetrator, but it was a gentle reminder to get back into my safe body because not everyone is out to get my children. A hypervigilant nervous system will tell you that you are in danger constantly and there is no safety. So you stay alert and aware in order to feel like you can protect yourself. But I need the reminder that my son was now safe. I am safe. And remaining hypervigilant was actually only becoming harmful to my wellbeing. Eventually I got free from the group and moved ahead of them. It really wasn’t that serious.
Eventually I rounded a corner towards some land that my very good friend owns. It is land I have communed with many times and holds a special place in my heart. So I felt a lightness and gratitude at the sight of that particular plot of land. As a gift from the Universe, my friend and her family were outside. I called to her and oared the kayak up to her property. She came to the water's edge to talk to me, and it was so lovely to have an unexpected pleasant moment with my friend. As I floated away from her, back on my journey, the breeze through the trees and along the water wafted across my skin and said: “Lean into your friends, they will support you.” I really felt uplifted after seeing her. The conversation wasn't anything important, it was simply the act of seeing someone I care about and that cares about me that offered a healing balm to my soul and. I really appreciated that reminder.
At one point, I stopped rowing and allowed the water to carry me. While on one hand, I typically live very much in a flow state, in this situation I have not been. I have felt rigid, tense, and constantly thinking about the next course of action to take against this despicable human being that accosted my son. But the water carried me so effortlessly and reminded me to “Go with the flow” as much as possible because staying in such a state of tension was not helpful to me or those around me, namely my husband and children. When Mom is tense, the household is tense. And really my focus needs to be on actionable steps, and importantly: my son and his experience through this. I know I can trust that I will be carried by all that supports me, including Mother Earth.
Gratitude
Towards the end of the float, I had to make a decision about which way to go around a large rock sticking out of the water and I chose to try to go around the right of it. Unfortunately I did not navigate it very well and the next thing I know there is a large, (prob. 2 foot long) black snake sunning itself on this rock and I bump directly up against the rock and I clip the tail of the snake. In some other worldly experience, the snake barely reacted, whereas surely it could have tried to defend itself and jump at me to bite me and end up in the boat with me, which would have been disastrous all around!. While that really seems like the most obvious consequence of running into a snake, instead its upper body and head jumped a bit, but didn’t do anything else. I was extremely surprised and then I heard: “You are protected”.
Which is a very powerful message in this situation. Because the choices I have to act on in this situation are not all without potential consequences to me. I am weighing all the choices carefully. Meanwhile the fantasy of what I could and want to do, are quite large and definitely not without consequences. Don’t. Mess. With. My. babies!!
However I didn’t perceive the message of protection solely about protecting me from all choices I could make. Rather, it was letting me know I’m supported and protected in the astral realm. Which is equally important to me. I’m a force to be reckoned with both on the earthly plane and the astral plane. I require a lot of protection to keep me safe in the darkness in which I regularly travel alongside with my clients. I am a light bringer to their dark, and I am never alone in my plight to help others heal. I was happy to hear that I too could traverse the darkness with my son and my own internal darkness of this violation, but we are safe. Thank you ancestors, guides, angels and God and Goddesses.
The trip came to an end shortly after that. I relaxed and “enjoyed the ride” the rest of the way. It was a really beautiful day. Not too hot, not too cold, just enough sun on the skin to feel rejuvenated and uplifted. I allowed my hands to trail in the water at many different points, so that I could take in the water energy through sight and touch. It felt so refreshing.
I am very grateful that our dear Mother Earth calls with all of her medicine when we need her most. I’m glad I listened to her beckoning. When she calls, she has important things to say. It takes a tuned in heart and soul to hear her messages. I’m glad I am able to receive them, and I hope that by reading them, you are reminded of your own well spring of choices, and opportunities, and ability to flow up, around and through the obstacles along your adventures.
May peace be with you.
